Malik's Guide to Ruling the World
by Jessica Messenger of the Devil
Summary: So YOU want to be the next ruler of the world? Read this guide by me, Malik (soon to be KING Malik) on how to be the number 1 ruler who's going to be remembered for all time...
1. Lesson 1

Jessica: ^_^ Yay! Malik's guide to Ruling the World is up! Finally, after long last…well, enjoy! And review, more importantly. ^_^; First reviewer gets a prize!

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          So YOU want to be the next ruler of the world? Face it, kiddo, you're going to have to wait in line.  I'm before you – King Malik.  Not King/Queen whatever-your-name-is.  King Malik.  BOW DOWN BEFORE ME! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

          In order to BE ruler of the world, you have to earn your title.  Nobody's going to give a stinky sock to you if you don't 'earn' your title.  Or a smelly fish.  Or a rotting shrimp. ^_^  What I mean is, you're going to have to show you actually are worthy.  Of course, you probably aren't worthy in the first place.  I'm the only one who can claim the title of "worthy".

          People are impressed if you're lower class and somehow work yourself up to king.  They like that.  So drop down to peasant style, then climb up the ladder to king.  Makes no sense, but who cares? Not me.

          Pretend to be nice, kind…beneficial…all that yucky, disgusting, gross, totally absurd stuff.  Give to the poor, get yourself rich, invent loads of stuff, save the world from invading aliens-you-purposely-sent-so-you-can-defeat-them-and-rule-the-world and kill (YES!) all mass murderers (darn, those guys are cool-oh well, they challenge my RULE) so that people BEG you to rule them as king (whoa, long sentence).  

          You DON'T share your power with ANYONE.  Got it? Good! Now, let's go on.

          You appoint your FRIENDS who probably are LAWBREAKERS (lawbreaking friends? Got them? Good! Now, let's go on) all the good jobs.  Like, oh, counter-of-your-money, ruler-of-your-pets, killer-of-your-enemies (on second thought, you get that job ^_^), hunter-of-your-food, cook-of-your-food, forger-of-your-weapons, giver-of-your money (dimwits, I mean the guy who gives you money, not the guy who gives AWAY your money.  Idiots), and all that good stuff.  Not like advisor-to-you, guy-who-controls-your-every-move, influential-dude-who-plots-to-overthrow-you, NOTHING like that.  Got that? Good. Now, let's move on.

          Hmm…that's it for Lesson 1. Review, so I still get paid for this.  If no-one reviews (gr) then Jessica gets seriously mad, fires me, then removes this guide.  So since I need my pay and am not in the mood to be roasted, review.  Unless you really want my good old friend BAKURA to chop your hands off and feed them to you.  He's been known to do that and we are allies, you know.

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Jessica: He's darned right about that.  Review!

Not that hard…  


	2. Lesson 2

Jessica: Yay! Thanks Seren147 for being the FIRST reviewer!

*Seren147 gets candy, ice cream, money $$$$ and a signed photo of Malik*

PS: Check out Bakura's Book of Threats if you haven't already.

Malik: *having fun in a huge pile of money* $__$ ^_^

Jessica: Get yourself out there!

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          So, you're king, and you've earned the title, too (not literally! I'M King, idiots!).  And people still don't recognize you as king.

          FOOLS!

          Ahem.  Just…uh…got out of control there.  NEVER get out of control.  It makes you look foolish, prince-y, and stupid.  NEVER look stupid.  People don't like stupid kings, and if they don't like you, they rebel.  And you're probably so inexperienced that you don't know how to put down rebellions.

          Well, keep your people happy.  Of course, you still can do stuff that none of your public knows…(rubs hands evilly) Like…oh, torture innocent (emphasis on INNOCENT) civilians who have done nothing (emphasis on nothing) wrong.  Then tape it.  Voila, your edition of Saturday Night at the Movies.

          How do you keep your people happy?

          What do you mean, you DON'T KNOW?

          Oh…boy.  This is going to be tougher than I thought.

          Do you know how to keep your little brother or sister who ALWAYS wants you to do such-and-such and this-and-this happy?  YES? How?

          You put on a fakely smilingly happily generously STUPID LOOKING nice act!  Notice the FAKELY.  You're king…or queen.  You can't go soft.  You're tough! MEAN! AND NOT **ENTIRELY** stupid!

          Ahem…ignore the entirely.  

          So, keep your subjects happy and then go around fakely smilingly happily generously doing stupid things that keep people from hating you.  Save Granny Smith's cat up in the tree.  Bend over and pick up the stuff that fell out of Miss Muppet's basket.  Kill the spider in Mrs. Flutterbudget's yard.  (finally something worth doing – even if it **is** just a spider.  Try making it die a slowly agonizing death – it's fun ^_^)  Notice that you help the ladies.  If the ladies love you, everyone does.

          Ahem.  Girls, uh…can just help…everyone…nicely, fakely, smilingly, happily, generously…yeah…

          While you're doing such nice stupid things, pick the pockets of Butcher whats-his-name while you're helping slaughter his pigs, cows, and chickens (SQUAWK!).  Do little thefts that add to your treasury and at the same time, are extremely entertaining ^_^.  Multitasking! Yay!  
          You'll notice I've gotten a pay raise…I'd like to keep it that way.  Review, people!  Ahem! Subjects!

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Yeah, yeah, yeah.  


	3. Note from Jessica

Hey all,

I hate to say this, but I'm leaving for good. Fanfiction's just become to screwed up, in deleting my stories. I'm still willing to write fanfiction, and if you wish me to send you a new chapter, just e-mail me at I have a few chapters written already, so those who wish to see them, can.

In the meantime, my site, is hosting a fanfiction contest, for all ages. Go to the Contest page, read the rules, and enter by sending me (CCS judge), (who judges InuYasha), or (who will be judging Yu-Gi-Oh! shortly) an e-mail saying you wish to enter. All due dates are April 30. The Yu-Gi-Oh contest rules aren't up yet, but the CCS rules also apply to the YGO ones.

I'm sorry for abandoning you all, and probably bringing you here on a false alert, and for not notifying you earlier…

-Jessica Messenger of the Devil

PS: I'm on my last warning, so if this is deleted, so is my account.


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